Well, it happened… I finally received communication from my biological father. This was the text he sent me: “Still the silence? My love has always been the same good or bad times that’s what being your dad is. Love you. Dad.”
I mean, he literally doesn’t get it. He really has no idea what’s going on. THIS, folks, is why I’m partially insane. Remember how I said that when he did communicate he would act as if it is my fault? Yeah. Exactly. He goes and gets married for the fourth time, doesn’t invite me, doesn’t even casually mention it, shows up at a dinner with wedding bands and says nothing. But, of course, it’s my fault. I’m sure he’s thinking that I should have said something. Like it was my job to notice the rings and comment and congratulate them.
Of course, then you add the fact that he didn’t call me when my grandmother went in the hospital. But, I’m sure that’s my fault as well. I mean, if I had only noticed the rings or called more often, or whatever. Because, of course, he’s busy and needs to be forgiven for things but I have all the time in the world and it’s always the daughter to be the responsible one, right? Why not?
You know, sometimes I have such crippling insecurity. People who meet me think that I’m super confident and happy and able to do anything. I’m not. I’m a sad little girl who gets her feelings hurt very easily. I’m a sad little girl who builds up walls and sabotages relationships because of the fear. It’s like, well, I know they’re just going to forget about me and move on to something else, so I might as well just end it now. I mean, why bother putting all that effort in when you just know it’s not going to work out anyway.
THIS is what goes on in my head.
I know, it’s irrational, I’ve mentioned that before. I get it. I’ve been through therapy. I know what I need to do. I’ve read the books. I’ve studied scripture. It’s still there. It will always be there. I will never be able to get rid of the hurt. Last night, I was in full-on sabotage mode with Craig. It was awful. I tried not to but it was like the devil took over. I’m a freakin idiot. The worst part about all it it is that this was over text. I clearly could have proof-read my neurosis and edited myself to not sound crazy and yet I still hit send. It’s like deep down inside I WANT to push him away. Thankfully he hasn’t given up on me but he did say: “You make it tough pretty girl.”
That’s me. I make it tough. I ruin things before they really begin. Just when things start going well. It’s so much easier to just RUIN IT. The worst part of this whole thing is that I KNOW I’m doing it. I watch it happen. I see it come out and hear the words and yet I’m helpless to stop it. Y’all. I have such issues. I’m so thankful that y’all let me vent here.
I need to work on being better about keeping my thoughts in my head and not speaking them out-loud. I know I can do this. I know that I can be better about relaxing and going with the flow and not worrying so much and just enjoying each moment as it comes. I know I can do this. Again, I’m asking for you to continue praying. Pray that I get my shit together. Pray that I’m able to forgive my father and to stop trying to change him. Pray that I’m able to let go of the hurt and just live my life and be happy.
P.S. Today was a much better day than yesterday. His joy comes with the morning! Also, Craig is obviously not giving up on me because we’re going to the Jags game on Thursday evening. 🙂