Y’all… I’m having a rough night. After 32 years I still am not over my “daddy issues”. I mean, do people ever get over it? Three separate bouts of therapy and therapeutic drugs and I still have days where I’m so frustrated that my stomach hurts. I KNOW this is the reason I’m unsuccessful in relationships. I KNOW that the only person I can change is myself. I KNOW that I should be thankful that I’m happy and healthy and I have a step-father that for all his “issues” will always be there for me and really does love me and care about my well being.
However, I still get upset. I still have trust issues. I still feel like it’s my fault.
It’s irrational. I get that. I just don’t understand why people can be so selfish.
I always wanted that family you see in movies. The one where the dad actually gives a shit. The one where he doesn’t make promises to take you to Kings Dominion and then doesn’t call or show up and you don’t hear from for weeks. It is no wonder we have so many children in this world who turn to crime and who make horrible decisions about their future. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth it. If anyone can be trusted. Even though people have shown me time and time again how loving and kind they can be I still have this nagging fear that it’s all bull shit. That sooner or later the truth will come out.
I can’t stop it. Three bouts of therapy and therapeutic drugs and I still have “issues” that won’t go away. Sure, I’m pretty well-adjusted. I’ve survived and even prospered. I haven’t turned to drugs or crime and I don’t have children out of wedlock. I love the Lord with all my heart. Still, it’s super frustrating. It’s frustrating that he would get married (for the fourth time) and not a) think to tell me in advance so I could participate or wish them the best or b) even tell me afterward as a common courtesy. It’s frustrating that my grandmother, whom I dearly love, went into the hospital with a horrible bone infection and even though he told her he would let me know… he didn’t. It’s frustrating that months later I still haven’t heard from him because I know he thinks it’s MY fault and that I should be the one to call HIM.
I want to write him off. I want to take all the times that he’s been an idiot man-child and just leave it at that. What gets me is that my poor g’ma is sad that I don’t want a relationship with him. I think it really breaks her heart. She purposefully mentions my father when she talks to me on the phone. How he was over Sunday night and the storms were so bad that they literally jumped in their seats when the thunder boomed. How Stacey (his wife) came over this weekend and helped her clean out the garage. How dad is training a new guy at work and it’s super frustrating for him. I know that my grandmother wants me to look past his shortcomings and love him for who he is. I just can’t anymore. I can’t NOT be frustrated with him. I can’t NOT want to tell him that he’s an idiot.
But what I really want is a father who gives a shit. More than anything I wanted that dad who loved me unconditionally. That dad who was curious about my life and who wanted to be a part of it. That dad who would walk me down the aisle at my wedding and tell me how much he loved me.
The last few times I’d been down to visit my g’parents, my dad barely made an effort to see me. When I go down to south-west Florida I always stay with them and not him. Honestly though, it’s been pretty much like that from the beginning. When he was living in a frat house instead of being a grown-up my mother made sure that visitation rights went to my grandparents and he would come and stay at their house when it was “my weekend.” I’m actually very thankful for this. I love my grandparents so very much. I have such a close relationship with my grandma that I wouldn’t have if this situation hadn’t been the way it was.
When I got older I thought things would change. Like, maybe he’s just not good with kids. Maybe he just needs to get a bit older and more mature. Nope. He refuses to grow up. Refuses to be responsible. Refuses to give a shit about anyone else but himself. I’m thankful that he’s got Stacey. She’s really a nice lady. I hope that she takes good care of him and doesn’t get sick of him and will be around for his old age… because I won’t.
And that saddens me.
I really hope that I don’t screw things up with Craig. Things are going nicely. I really like him. We get along well. He’s cooking me dinner soon. I’m excited about that. I’m excited about the potential there. I also know what I’m capable of and I’m very capable of sabotage. I’m very capable of ruining things so that I can “protect” myself.
I hate to be Debbie Downer tonight but I need your prayers. I’d been holding back my thoughts for a while but then Jessica opened up about being pregnant and considering not having her father a part of the child’s life and I started thinking again and decided that I need to open up and that I need to ask y’all to really pray for my sanity. Pray for my relationship with my father, or that I’ll be more content to just let it go.