However, I still get upset. I still have trust issues. I still feel like it’s my fault.

It’s irrational. I get that. I just don’t understand why people can be so selfish.

I always wanted that family you see in movies. The one where the dad actually gives a shit. The one where he doesn’t make promises to take you to Kings Dominion and then doesn’t call or show up and you don’t hear from for weeks. It is no wonder we have so many children in this world who turn to crime and who make horrible decisions about their future. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth it. If anyone can be trusted. Even though people have shown me time and time again how loving and kind they can be I still have this nagging fear that it’s all bull shit. That sooner or later the truth will come out.

I can’t stop it. Three bouts of therapy and therapeutic drugs and I still have “issues” that won’t go away. Sure, I’m pretty well-adjusted. I’ve survived and even prospered. I haven’t turned to drugs or crime and I don’t have children out of wedlock. I love the Lord with all my heart. Still, it’s super frustrating. It’s frustrating that he would get married (for the fourth time) and not a) think to tell me in advance so I could participate or wish them the best or b) even tell me afterward as a common courtesy. It’s frustrating that my grandmother, whom I dearly love, went into the hospital with a horrible bone infection and even though he told her he would let me know… he didn’t. It’s frustrating that months later I still haven’t heard from him because I know he thinks it’s MY fault and that I should be the one to call HIM.

I want to write him off. I want to take all the times that he’s been an idiot man-child and just leave it at that. What gets me is that my poor g’ma is sad that I don’t want a relationship with him. I think it really breaks her heart. She purposefully mentions my father when she talks to me on the phone. How he was over Sunday night and the storms were so bad that they literally jumped in their seats when the thunder boomed. How Stacey (his wife) came over this weekend and helped her clean out the garage. How dad is training a new guy at work and it’s super frustrating for him. I know that my grandmother wants me to look past his shortcomings and love him for who he is. I just can’t anymore. I can’t NOT be frustrated with him. I can’t NOT want to tell him that he’s an idiot.

But what I really want is a father who gives a shit. More than anything I wanted that dad who loved me unconditionally. That dad who was curious about my life and who wanted to be a part of it. That dad who would walk me down the aisle at my wedding and tell me how much he loved me.

The last few times I’d been down to visit my g’parents, my dad barely made an effort to see me. When I go down to south-west Florida I always stay with them and not him. Honestly though, it’s been pretty much like that from the beginning. When he was living in a frat house instead of being a grown-up my mother made sure that visitation rights went to my grandparents and he would come and stay at their house when it was “my weekend.” I’m actually very thankful for this. I love my grandparents so very much. I have such a close relationship with my grandma that I wouldn’t have if this situation hadn’t been the way it was.

When I got older I thought things would change. Like, maybe he’s just not good with kids. Maybe he just needs to get a bit older and more mature. Nope. He refuses to grow up. Refuses to be responsible. Refuses to give a shit about anyone else but himself. I’m thankful that he’s got Stacey. She’s really a nice lady. I hope that she takes good care of him and doesn’t get sick of him and will be around for his old age… because I won’t.

And that saddens me.

I really hope that I don’t screw things up with Craig. Things are going nicely. I really like him. We get along well. He’s cooking me dinner soon. I’m excited about that. I’m excited about the potential there. I also know what I’m capable of and I’m very capable of sabotage. I’m very capable of ruining things so that I can “protect” myself.

I hate to be Debbie Downer tonight but I need your prayers. I’d been holding back my thoughts for a while but then Jessica opened up about being pregnant and considering not having her father a part of the child’s life and I started thinking again and decided that I need to open up and that I need to ask y’all to really pray for my sanity. Pray for my relationship with my father, or that I’ll be more content to just let it go.

Thanks y’all.

G’nite.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MOMMY!

Love you bunches!

~Your Punkin Girl

Just for good measure… here’s a pic of me and my mommy just this past year. We haven’t changed a bit! LOL

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRETTY GIRL. I love you very much!

~Your Sissy Rah Rah

• 12/2 – Book Club
• 12/3 – Double date with Trish and Glen
• 12/4 – Harmonious Monks with the girls
• 12/5 – Brunch with Vicky, Church, Happy Hour with one friend and then Dinner with another
• 12/6 – Final class meeting at my professor’s house
• 12/7 – Small group at church
• 12/8 – Dinner with Amanda and Jeannie
• 12/9 – Champagne tasting at The Grotto
• 12/10 – Stitch-N-Bitch with the girls
• 12/11 – Ugly Christmas Sweater Party
• 12/13 – Holiday Party during the day at work
• 12/14 – Small group at church
• 12/15 – Last dinner with Amanda before she moves to Nashville
• 12/16 – Seven22 with my friend Wendy
• 12/17 – Holiday Party after work
• 12/18 – Ice Skating with the Beach BUMS
• 12/19 – Drive to G’ma B’s in SW FL
• 12/20 – Get car worked on
• 12/21 – Drive to Flagler for Christmas with Mom, Dad, Ashley, and Lauren (and her new husband, Josh)
• 12/28 – Back home to my house
• 12/31 – New Years Eve festivities

I’m actually excited about all of it! I have purposefully declined some things and I know I’m much busier than most but I truly am looking forward to each part of this month. Most importantly I have made the decision to stick with just one family this Christmas eve/day.

Why is it that everyone waits until this month to try and get together? Why aren’t we better about getting together more often throughout the year? My good friend is seriously stressed out because of Christmas. She has 4 different places to be between Christmas eve and Christmas day and only one in the same town as her. The stress isn’t worth it. The worst part of it is that her significant other is the one who is causing this stress by his inability to cut the umbilical cord to his mother.

I wish this was uncommon… but I hear about it too much. With women. With men. People need to stop rushing and just remember the reason for the season. It’s not about spending Christmas eve with this family and waking up Christmas morning with this family and then rushing over to this other family member’s house later that day only to feel guilty that you never made it to so and so’s.

I know she won’t mind me sharing her story because I know that no one knows who she is and more importantly there are many of us out there who are going through the same thing!

We need to remember the most important part of this whole month and that is the gathering of friends and family for the birth of our Savior. Cut out the BS. Don’t go to that party you don’t want to. Don’t feel obligated to go to a distant cousin’s dinner because you’re worried that some family member is going to guilt you for not being a team player.

JUST SAY NO.

LOL. In all seriousness, if you enjoy doing lots of stuff (like I do) then that’s one thing… but if you are feeling super stressed because you have too much on your plate then take a time out. It’s okay. It is perfectly acceptable to take this time for some serious R&R.

Think about it. What WOULD Jesus Do? I doubt that He’d be traveling on the roads three times in one day just so He can make an appearance at each family member’s house for whatever reason. The people who you don’t see will just have to get over it and see you on another day. I realize that most of us come from divorced parents but I make sure that I chose one each year and I suggest you do the same. If people want to travel up to see you, good for them, but don’t feel like you need to run all across town because otherwise they’ll give you a hard time.

Take this time to be selfish. Take this time to remember the simplicity of the Savior’s birth. A lowly manger… no room at the Inn. No extended family. No giant turkey dinner. Just a simple night of worship is all we need. God bless you all as you attempt to navigate the rough waters of this holiday season. Try and take some time out for what’s truly important and be safe out there!

I hope that everyone is enjoying the holiday with friends and loved ones. I hope that you are able to watch the parade and some football and that you stuff yourself full of home-made wonderfulness. If you are stuck in a foreign country or somehow unable to have the traditional fare, well, I’m sorry. I wish that I could invite you all over so we could share in our Thanksgiving together!

Today, I am going to list some things that may seem trivial but are things that I am so very thankful for. I started this list a while ago and have been adding to it. I’m sure that I’ll continue to add to it and will have a longer one next year. I am constantly reminded how very blessed I am. I have family and friends that love me and an awesome church family. I never want to forget just how many blessings I have, even the silly ones.

So here goes (for now):

Family (of course)

Kitchen sprayer

Quilted Northern toilet paper

HVAC (even though things don’t always work out the way you’d like)

New LCD HDTV

Adult beverages (that really should be first on the list LOL)

Brita filters

Purdue OWL

Sonicare toothbrush

Massages

Pedicures (I can’t rave enough about this place)

Dancing

Boots (and especially Autumn when I get to wear said boots)

Kashi Heart to Heart

Document shredder

Books

Music

2004 Toyota Camry LE

Coffee

Amy’s Mexican Casserole

Church

Friends

Carmex

Ann Taylor and LOFT (for clothes that actually fit me)

Organic Milk

Sliders Seafood Grille

Ceramic Flat Iron

Neutrogena body oil

The ocean

Things that make me laugh out loud

CBS Sunday Morning

NPR (especially on the way to and from work)

Fiber One Bars

and Coca-Cola Classic

In closing I’d like to share Linus’ Thanksgiving prayer from “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving”… may you remember the humble roots of this holiday tradition and how blessed we truly are!

Today is my parents anniversary. My mom married my step-dad in November 1984 when I was 5 years old. We’ve had our share of ups and downs but overall I love my family more than anything in the world. I love that we have so many wonderful shared memories and I love that my mother made it a point for us all to spend as much time together as possible so we could develop the bonds we now share.

So, I love my family! I feel like I’ve mentioned that a lot in my blog but it is because I do. Like for reals. I love my sisters and the humor we share so much that sometimes that it hurts. A song comes on and I immediately think of them. Something someone says and I laugh out loud because it reminds me of this one time… well, you get the point. You name it, it makes me think of them.

And I love that.

Yesterday I was listening to some Christmas music… yes, I understand it’s too early but I love it so much that most often I start secretly celebrating in October. Anyway, I heard the Jackson 5 singing “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” and I couldn’t stop laughing (it’s probably our favorite version).

My littlest sister, Lauren, absolutely loves the fact that he says, “tickle tickle” in the song. So, now, whenever any of us hear it we immediately think of that. Enough so that I texted Ashley and Lauren and mentioned the song and Ashley wrote back, “TICKLE TICKLE!” Even funnier, Lauren wrote back, “OMGGGGGGGGG TICKLE TICKLE. LOL.” So you can see where I’m going here. Every one of us shares in our inside jokes and I just love it so much.

I have lots of friends and some of them are super close with their family… but very few of them have similar family experiences. When I realize that… it makes me appreciate my family even more. I know that as a kid I fought against our “family trips” with a vengeance but now I look back on them and am grateful.

My mother always made it a priority for us to spend time together. We always had family dinner with no TV or music or other distractions where we got to share our experiences from that day and talk and laugh together. We would all get in the car early on a Saturday and just drive. We’ve experienced so much history in the Virginia, Maryland, DC, Pennsylvania, Tennessee area… and then when we moved to Florida we did the same thing. I know more about this state than people who’ve lived here their whole lives.

I am eternally thankful that I have been blessed with such an amazing family. Not only do I have a great and loving relationship with my sisters, mother, and step-father, and everyone on mom’s side … but I also have a father and grandparents and extended family on my dad’s side that demonstrate regularly how wonderful it is to have family that loves you. Although we are certainly not perfect and we’ve had our share of troubles, we have some great memories.

As we near this holiday season, please remember what is truly important in life… and cherish those whom you call “family”. Never take for granted the blessings in your life and for those you know who may not have the blessings you have… reach out to them. Last night, in small group, we talked about how God = Love. The first and second thing that Jesus commands of us is to love our God and love our neighbor. Never forget just how important that message is.

God bless y’all!

Hey y’all! It’s autumn… YAY!

Here in north-east Florida we don’t get much of a change of seasons. As people further south say, “Florida has two seasons: summer and January.”

Where I live, we have summer, and like a few days of autumn, a month or two of winter, a few days of spring, and then summer once again. So, I’m super excited that it’s actually unusually cool right now.

This past week it didn’t get out of the 70s during the day and was in the 50s at night with one night in the 40s. Of course, so many people who live here chose to live here because of the mild temperatures so they’re complaining. I, however, only live here because family is here in Florida, so I’m overjoyed with the cooler temps.

The main thing that makes our autumn not like it is further north, is that although the cooler temps start the day off brisk, it can still get up into the 80s during the day (like today) and that means that the wardrobe changes twice in one day which is quite annoying.

Well, I know I have been absent for a bit (sorry) so I have a few updates for you…

In case you weren’t aware, G’ma Joan had to go back to Mayo AGAIN for a second round of open-heart surgery. Evidently the pericarditis and pleurisy and the fact that she will keloid (so, for aesthetic reasons made the incision so the scar would form on the inside instead of the outside) caused the mammary vein they used to basically get eaten up by the scar tissue and close off, thereby undoing all their hard work.

This time they’ve used a leg vein and are closely monitoring her for any signs of pericarditis and will treat with colchicine right away to help prevent further damage. They told her that if her body “eats up” this vein that they CANNOT go in and do another surgery on that side. I mean, she is 80. So that’s completely understandable.

Anyway, this has meant that I have been spending a lot of time visiting with her at Mayo after work and neglecting my school work and social life. In addition, my G’ma B and Dad are coming up tonight to spend the weekend. I’m very excited about seeing them, though, not to mention the fact that they are bringing me a new television. YAY!

My poor G’ma B has macular degeneration that they discovered when she recently underwent cataract surgery. The good news is that they were able to catch it early enough to give her injections in her eye to halt further growth and hopefully minimize damage. She says that her left eye is a bit fuzzy but with both eyes open she sees just fine and the doctor says it should get better over the next 6-8 months.

Nothing like getting older and watching your parents and grandparents age.

We tend to take our elders for granted here in America. As much as they may get on our nerves, it is important that we spend as much time with them as we can because soon they will be gone. I learn something new each visit and get to hear some amazing stories. They’ve lived through so much and have so much wisdom to share if we only take the time to stop and listen.

In other news, I really am enjoying the Primary Education course I’m enrolled in this semester. We recently went to a rally for the Children’s Movement (you should see if there is something similar in your neck of the woods) and it got me pumped… really puts things in perspective. Did you know that ninety percent of human brain development occurs during the first five years of life and every dollar spent to improve the health and well-being of children creates an aggregate total of $4.55 in economic output. That is a return on investment of 455 percent!

TAKE ACTION PEOPLE!

Working at the University I see how much politicians push for college education for all. I understand and appreciate the desire to make college available to those who cannot afford it, however, I also know that it’s easy to make these promises because they know that the percentage of our poor who can actually get into a college is relatively low so they really aren’t having to spend as much.

We continuously raise the amount of the Pell Grant each year (a big push by Obama) and this also makes the student eligible for other grant funding that is only possible if you qualify for Pell. In order to qualify you must have almost if not completely zero family contribution which basically translates to a $30k a year salary (or less) for a family of four. This is all well and good, HOWEVER, the majority of students in college are middle class who make just slightly more than the cut off and therefore they qualify for NOTHING. There is no help for anyone but the very poorest and as much as I fully support providing them an education I know that their retention rates are horrible and it’s not fair to rob Peter to pay Paul.

Also, if we truly cared about these children we wouldn’t focus so much on college education but instead of their very foundation of being and support them during their early childhood years. It would save us money in the long run and build a better populous. I think that so much of the promises made by congress is so that we will think they are helping when really they are doing what works best for them.

Okay, I’m off my soap-box now…

So, hope y’all have a wonderful weekend. I hope that the weather is whatever you most desire and that you have plenty of time for R&R. I’ll be spending time with family and completing a mid-term while making a 15 page paper (draft) appear out of thin air. Wish me luck!

God bless!

I will never forget the time I found my mother’s 12 string and begged her to play. The only songs she could remember were “Puff the Magic Dragon“, “Blowin in the Wind“, “If I had a Hammer“, and “Lemon Tree“. I remember sitting there mesmerized by her voice and watching her as she drifted away to another time. She looked so happy playing those songs for me.

Last night I was watching an episode of Mad Men and at the end of the episode they played “Early in the Morning”. I immediately thought of my mommy and smiled. I still credit her with teaching me the actual lyrics to “Good Morning Starshine” from the musical Hair (though my favorite version is when Bob from Sesame Street sings it). I still think it’s fun to sing along with the real words and watch my friends in amazement because no one knows them!

So, today, in honor of my mother’s birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!) I’m sharing with you a few Peter Paul and Mary videos. If you’re like me … and your mommy was a sweet little hippie girl … you will sing along and think of your mommy and smile. Enjoy!

Early In The Morning

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

Puff The Magic Dragon

If I Had A Hammer

For Loving Me

If I Had MyWay

Grandma Joan has so far had a nitroglycerin pump on her heart, she’s had stress tests, she’s been given blood transfusions to see if maybe the anemia is the main problem, she’s had an endoscopy to see about the erosion in her esophagus (which isn’t evidently what’s causing the bleeding but they took a sample anyway), she now has a camera (that’s in the shape of a small pill) traveling through her system to take pictures so the doctors can see if the bleeding is further down her digestive track.

If all goes well they plan on doing a cardiac catheterization tomorrow to see how the blood is flowing to the heart and then to decide if she will need open heart surgery. She’s at Mayo Hospital so I know she’s in good hands and I’ve visited her often (at least through today).

Tonight I head down to South West Florida to visit my other grandparents. My grandpa turns 80 on Sunday so I had already planned on visiting before all this happened. Thank you all for your well wishes and prayers. I’ll keep you posted as I find out more information and thank you for your patience with me as I’m absent from the blogging world for a bit.

God bless.

A new year … new resolutions. I know that I’ve been gone for a while and I apologize. I’ve been thinking about a lot lately and not really sure how to put what I’m thinking into words. When I get frustrated I tend to shut myself off. I’ve neglected my friendships and my health and my sanity really. I mean, I can’t get into a better frame of mind wallowing in self pity now can I!?!

Anyway, this year I’m starting off the year right … doing Beth Moore’s Jesus: 90 Days With The One And Only. Each evening before heading to bed I will do my daily reading and reflection. I know that I’m lazy and will tend to push things off so instead of making it a part of my morning routine I’m going to keep the book by my bed for evening work. I almost always read in bed before I fall asleep so this should work.

…

ARGH. My first test of patience in the new year … this isn’t going to be an easy year, is it? I just wrote out another three paragraphs and tried to update and it lost it all. WordPress has been crappy today so I should have figured this would happen and copied the text just in case. But you know what’s NOT fun. Always thinking the worst and then preparing for it. So, I tried to just have faith. It’s not working. Hopefully this devotional I’m doing is going to work. Maybe if I just focus on Him then He will take care of the rest. God I sure hope so. I am so overwhelmed with hate in my life right now. Hate at everything. People on the road. The internet’s functionality. My financial situation. Everything.

So here’s to a brand new year, right!?! I’m headed out tonight to watch the Gators kick butt in the SugarBowl! Hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday and that everyone has a prosperous new year! God bless!