Category: confessions


where u be?

Filed under: confessions, life by misscaron — Leave a comment
August 24, 2010

Hey y’all…

So, I have yet another sinus infection.

I’m so over this getting sick crap. Or this let’s throw out my back while I’m in the middle of moving crap. But, I digress. My doc is trying out a few new allergy meds to see if we can keep this from happening. The post-nasal drip is what gets me every time and nothing I take seems to even touch it… not even Benadryl. All that stuff does is dry my sinuses out and make me sleepy and yet I still have the dripping down the back of the throat. Constant dripping…

Yum. I know, I know… such an awesome subject to talk about.

Let’s move on, shall we?

How about the fact that I took NyQuil last night for the first time in ages and instead of the “nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, fever, best sleep you ever got with a cold medicine” I had the “lets wake up every few hours for no obvious reason and have really screwed up dreams cold medicine”.

Ever had that one?

NyQuil you lie. You do not make me feel better. Hopefully this Z-Pak will make me feel better. I think that even though I’ve slept most of today I’ll probably go to bed here soon.

It’s super fun feeling like crap.

So, instead of talking about that… let’s analyze my crazy dreams…

I’m pretty sure that they were all separate dreams but to me it seemed like one big long one and when I tell the story it’s much more fun as a big long one so here goes:

I’m at a resort with my family. We’re in some sort of roof-top suite thing with a pool, and no guard-rail over the edge to the street below. Awesome. So, we’re hanging out by the pool and I’m all pissed because I don’t have a bathing suit. Then some random lady and her child come in and start swimming in our pool and she’s letting the daughter wander all around the deck with no worry that she’ll get too close to the edge and fall off the roof nor is she worried that this little toddler can’t swim well and could easily fall in the pool if she’s not standing right there and I’m the ONLY one who seems to a) care that this stranger is in our suite or b) about the safety of the child. Everyone is just carrying on with their conversations and crap and I’m getting silently more and more pissed. Even more awesome.

Cut to me driving some sort of get away vehicle to somewhere and my sister, Ashley, is in the passenger seat. I think this vehicle is a truck. I’m not sure. But there is a bunch of crap at my feet that’s making it impossible for me to control the pedals. I keep asking her to grab the blanket and move it, grab this shirt that’s wound around the pedal, grab this stuffed animal that’s down there, and then there’s another blanket or pillow or something and I’m just super pissed that I can’t seem to get it all out of the way and more keeps appearing and I have basically no real control over the vehicle but I’m trying to keep me and my sister safe as we’re speeding down the road. Great.

Cut to a kitchen scene where I’m talking to someone about how I have too much to do and no one ever helps me. Taking care of the kids is a full time job, I tell them, and I can’t do it all and everything else. Then I hear crying and go over to an empty bassinet. The person is still trying to talk to me and is telling me that I’m imagining things and that it can’t be as overwhelming as I think. Meanwhile I’ve reached into the empty bassinet and pulled out an imaginary baby (there is no baby in my arms) and for some reason I start breast-feeding said imaginary baby and this person is saying to me about how there is no baby and I’m crazy and I should get help and I’m yelling back about how overwhelmed I am and they just don’t understand but I look down and see that there is no baby there but for some reason my brain thinks there is… or something.

Okay, that’s pretty much all I remember.

WTF?

Am I going crazy?

I certainly was in that last dream for sure. I think that a lot of my dream sequence was me feeling out of control. I do feel like that a lot. I have a thing with always wanting things to go just so and when they don’t I feel very uncomfortable. I think that lately I’ve also been feeling like things that I want to happen aren’t happening and I’m trying really hard to be patient but it’s hella difficult. Maybe my dreams are a way of me dealing with all those issues while I’m sleeping?

SO WEIRD!

Thoughts?

P.S. I just did a bit of research and the internet is telling me that I’m frustrated because I don’t have a family of my own (very true) and that the pool and some other things have to do with money and my fears of being financially secure (also very true). The constant struggle in my dreams, like the stuff beneath the seat causing me to not have control over the car is how I feel in my own life… which, I already pretty much knew. I know that I want things to be a lot different than they are but I do feel content. I mean, at least I think I do. I like my new place. I feel very happy here. I’m trying hard to “bloom where planted” and not constantly wanting things to be what I think they should be but instead be happy with what I have. It’s hard. Maybe that’s what all those dreams were about? Maybe the NyQuil just allowed me to go into a deeper REM state and my anxieties were dealt with through my dreams last night?

Oh well. Hope y’all are having a great week so far! Many of y’all have kids back in school or are back in school yourself. It’s that time of the year for sure. I’ve decided to only take one class this term though I originally thought I’d take two. The class is called Primary Education. It is all about the theories and practices revolving around K-3rd grade really. Should be quite interesting. I’ve already learned a bunch and have only had one class! It might be a lot of work for this semester and I don’t know if I really want a LOT of work. I just like a challenge and I love learning so I thought I’d take advantage of the class being that it’s provided by the University at no cost.

Wish me luck!

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DONE

Filed under: about me, confessions, life by misscaron — 1 Comment
July 29, 2010

It’s done. Finished. Completed. Komplett. Fait. Finito. Volledig.

My Realtor sent me an email to let me know that everything has been signed, sealed, and delivered. I’m officially done with that chapter. My life has been in turmoil ever since the market collapsed and it is so bittersweet. On the one hand I’m happy that it’s over and that I no longer have to worry about drowning in debt. On the other hand I feel like a failure.

I bought a place thinking that it would grow in equity and that I could possibly move somewhere else and then I could keep this as a rental or that I could sell it and turn the profit into something better.

Instead everything went all pear shaped and after four years I end up being 100k upside-down. Such a strange turn of events. I don’t think anyone thought that it would be this way, that the market would collapse as it has, that people would be left stranded with absolutely no help from their lending institution because those very banks who we made our deals with participated in shady maneuvers and risky profit-making schemes. Our government bails them out to try and help us but instead they chose to make it more difficult.

It will never cease to amaze me that they were more willing to take the short sale than to work with me on my payments and help re-structure my loan. Even worse, they seem to be even more willing to take a foreclosure on the property instead of help with a short sale. As long as our government makes it more profitable for the banks to write off a foreclosure, people will continue to feel shafted.

It’s a sad state of affairs. The greed has run so rampant in this country. It’s pathetic. If there is one thing I hope we have learned from this Recession… it’s that we put way too much of an emphasis on consumerism and not enough on what is truly important.

I see it every day… parents take the children to dinner and the children play on their DS the whole time and the mom and dad just sit there in silence. We’ve basically taught our children that things are more important than people. I’ve read numerous articles about the power of family dinners. This was something my mother always made sure was a priority in my household and I am eternally grateful.

Should God bless me with a family I will certainly be sure to instill the values I deem so important but there is a bigger lesson here, folks. We need to get back to the way things were not but a hundred years ago… if you can’t afford something, don’t buy it. Credit used to be a bad thing. People would frown down upon the man who held a balance at the local general store.

I am certainly glad to be in something more manageable in my budget and as you well know, I’m already pretty cost-conscious. I haven’t had cable television for over 7 years now and each time I wish I had it I just go out to dinner with my friends and realize that I can chose to have TV or friendships. I don’t have manicured nails and I don’t have a car payment. I make choices to ensure that I’m not a burden on others and the release of this condo is one more step in the right direction.

Maybe in a few years, should my budget allow it, and I’ve built up enough of a savings account… I’ll consider owning property again. Until then I will be content where I am (Philippians 4:11-13). I will bloom where I am planted.

Thanks for listening to my rant/happy announcement. It’s definitely a bit all over the place (as I have been quite a bit lately). I really appreciate all the support of my family and friends (both near and far and via the interwebs)… without you I wouldn’t be near as able to look at the big picture and know that everything will be alright.

:-)

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rejection

Filed under: confessions, life by misscaron — 4 Comments
July 23, 2010

Rejection. According to the Oxford English Dictionary it is defined as “The action or process of rejecting someone or something, esp. the refusal to accept an established practice, a proposal, etc., or the rejecting or exclusion of a person from a relationship or group; an act of rejecting; (also) the state of being rejected.“

Reject. OED defines this as “Someone who is rejected or cast out.“

The act of rejection causes someone to feel like a reject. Have you ever been called a reject? No one has ever said that to my face but I have seen people say it to others. It’s not pleasant. No one ever wants to feel rejected. No one wants to feel that they aren’t worthy, that someone doesn’t want them to be a part of their group, that someone doesn’t feel they are qualified enough for their dream job, or that someone doesn’t think their work is good enough.

I have learned not to associate rejection with my self-worth but it is a constant battle. I am a person that derives much of my self-worth from the opinions of others. I know that this is an issue. I have to remind myself that my self-worth is an intrinsic value. My self-worth is defined within and through the grace of God alone.

Last night I was thinking seriously about my feelings of rejection. Why must I fret over what someone else thinks of me? Why must I play the scene out over and over again in my mind of what I could have done to change their mind? It is not necessarily what I could or could not have done to make things different as much as it is that person’s individual feelings and perception on the issue.

I, myself, have participated in the act of rejection. It is hard to tell someone that you do not “want” them, whether as a friend or as a lover. Either you are on the giving or receiving end… and both are difficult.

Each year that passes brings with it new wisdom. I’m definitely not the person I was 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago, or even just last month. We grow, adapt, learn, move on. Life isn’t easy but we make the best of it. I have grown to accept what God has given to me, I’ve adapted to the constant changing of the world around me, learned to make the best of every situation, and have gained the wisdom to move on when the situation warrants it as such.

I was reminded by a dear friend of Philippians 4:11-13 ♥ 11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

I cannot say that I have completely learned to be content whatever the circumstances, but I am sure trying. I do know what it is to want and what it is to have everything you could have ever wanted. The secret, to me, of being content is what my mother has constantly preached: bloom where planted.

Make the best of every situation and play the cards you are dealt. I understand that there is a bigger picture, one that I cannot see because I am within the picture. Only someone outside of the picture can truly see what is going on and the painter holds the wisdom to know what the outcome may be. Everything happens for a reason, even if I am not able to see that reason just yet. Thoughts?

Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on…

DISCLAIMER: These are just random thoughts. I’m doing fine, thanks. Please don’t look at this as depressing but instead as truthful. I only seek to share my thoughts and to be honest with y’all. Okay? Good. :-)

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rambling thoughts…

Filed under: about me, confessions, life by misscaron — 8 Comments
July 13, 2010

I’m posting this picture because it makes me happy.

It was taken on Grand Turk right in front of the largest Margaritaville in the world. I really enjoyed that vacation I took with my family that November.

I love my family.

I’m wrestling with something… if you had to choose between conditioned air and indoor plumbing which would you choose? Of course, it probably depends on where you are living… Florida is death without a/c in the summer!

Listening to music that reminds me of my mommy (like right now I’m listening to Joni Mitchell singing Cactus Tree) makes me cry (and my mother is alive) I can’t imagine how sad I will be when she passes away one day.

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy… and so does the music of John Denver… but again it reminds me of my mommy. It’s no wonder I can’t live more than an hour away from her.

Break-ups are hard. Not because you think it’s hard to not have that person in your life anymore but because it’s another failure. I don’t deal well with failure… I’m a perfectionist.

It’s hard to force myself to remember that the only perfect human was Christ and I need to stop trying to obtain the unobtainable. I need to be happy where I am.

Bloom where planted, right?

I’m excited about my new townhouse. I pick up the keys after work on Thursday. I can’t wait to start “nesting” in my new home.

I sure hope the neighbors are quiet. Right now the lady upstairs from me does aerobics and it sounds like the ceiling is going to cave in. It will be so wonderful to not have anyone above me… just beside me. I think I can handle noise from beside me.

Green really truly is my favorite color. I love green grass and trees and plants. I love green eyeshadow and usually choose it each morning when doing my makeup. I also like to choose green clothing to wear… probably because I have green eyes.

I actually had a guy say to me, “You have the most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen!” and I replied, “Thanks but they’re green.”

I really want to take a cruise this December. There is a 5 day leaving from Port Canaveral on Carnival that’s really well priced… I just need to find people to actually go with me. Come on… you know you wanna.

I really hope I’m blessed one day with the opportunity to have a family. It’s tough being in your 30s and seeing people married with children and wondering if you’ll be lucky enough to have that happen to you as well.

I think it’s really annoying that I have such awful digestive issues. I swear everything I eat makes my stomach hurt. No matter what. It’s so ridiculous because I know that it’s mostly stress but I suck at managing my stress.

I really should get back into yoga.

Can you believe that YMCA changed it’s name to The Y? Muy interesante.

I get to have lunch at Moe’s today.

There is a place in LA (a sushi house) and when people walk through the door they shout something in Japanese. I think it’s “hello welcome to our restaurant”, or something. What’s funny is when I went there with my sister I said it was like “Welcome to Moe’s!” and she laughed because she’d been thinking the same thing but no one understood because they don’t have Moe’s out there.

I have to find a new primary care physician. I don’t want to have to do that work to find someone, take a risk that they’re not an idiot, transfer all my paperwork, etc. This sucks.

Also, I forgot just how many deposits I’d have to make for things like electricity, etc. at this new place. Moving isn’t the most fun… but it’ll be great once I’m settled.

I get to have dinner with my good friend from High School, Karen, on Wednesday night. We’re eating at Salt Water Cowboys. I LOVE that place. Hands down one of my favorite restaurants, ever!

I got to spend Saturday night and Sunday with my sister, Ashley, who flew in from LA this past weekend. She’s at camp this week in Leesburg but I’ll get to see her again this upcoming weekend. It’s so hard having her so far away.

I had no idea how long this list of rambling thoughts would be. Hope I didn’t bore you to death. Be sure to comment on anything I’ve mentioned… or, if you’d rather, comment with your own rambling thoughts. I’d love to read what y’all have to say.

God bless you all! Hope you’re having a wonderful week! :-)

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confession time … attitude

Filed under: confessions, work by misscaron — 2 Comments
January 21, 2010

I’m extremely peeved by the attitudes I encounter on a daily basis. I’m sorry you think we should be psychic and know what you want without you having to tell us.

I’m sorry you didn’t read the bold lettered options that said to send out your transcript once the degree was posted but instead just assumed that it was already on your account even though you didn’t receive any notification from us to indicate this was so. I’m sorry that you feel it’s an inconvenience to order another transcript and that you choose to move to another state without notifying us of your new address so we can make sure your diploma and transcripts make it to the correct location. I really am.

I really don’t understand the attitude that is so widespread right now. When I was a child I remember my mother saying quite clearly that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. It is best to enter into a conversation with a friendly tone and if necessary and things are escalating then you can take a more aggressive tone.

I actually saw an email that a student sent in to us that said, “Am I admitted or what!?!” I couldn’t believe it! The audacity! Didn’t she understand that you want to be kind to the people who could determine if you’re admitted to their college or not? This does not just pertain to the students I speak with on a daily basis, but for the employees here, the lady taking my order at the drive through, and the person in the checkout line at Target as well.

I understand that we all have bad days. I am just as guilty of the next person for taking out my frustrations on innocent passers by but as a rule I try very hard to keep positivity flowing outward and to not subject anyone to my issues.

I found this statement by Charles Swindoll and I thought you would enjoy reading it:

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confession time … da do do do

Filed under: confessions by misscaron — 2 Comments
January 13, 2010

Time for another confession.

So … I sing. That’s right. I sing.

Randomly. For no reason. And not very well.

I usually don’t sing actual songs though. I make them up. “You know what I’m gonna do? La La. I’m gonna change my clothes. Do Do. You know what I’m gonna do? La La. I’m gonna hang up my coat. Do Do. You know what I’m gonna do? La La. Dance around my room. Woo Hoo. Because dancing is fun and I like to dance. La La La La La La La.”

Yeah … that sort of thing. It’s awful. I sing things all the time.

“Emptying the dishwasher is not my favorite job but I have to do it or I’ll become a slob … time to put away the dishes in the cabinets above so I can show my kitchen a little bit of love.”

It doesn’t stop folks. Remember that scene in Elf where Will Ferrell makes up the singing song to show Jovie how easy it is to sing?

Yeah, like that.

Anyway, I sing about whatever I’m doing at that particular time. I think this goes back to my original confession about humming. All part of the same thing, right? Maybe I just can’t stand silence.

Someone help me. ;-)

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confession time … too many coats

Filed under: confessions by misscaron — 8 Comments
January 8, 2010

Yet another confession. Hope you are enjoying these … because who knows when they are going to stop!?!

*disclaimer: this is not an actual picture of my closet*

Okay, so, I own way too many coats for someone who lives in Florida. WAY. TOO. MANY. I have 11 coats that are just strictly overcoats and another 4 that are suit coats. What is wrong with me!?!

This week, because it’s been so unseasonably cold here, I’ve actually worn a different coat each day. Yes, I’m actually bragging about that.

So, I guess I really need to move somewhere that I will get more use out of these coats, eh?

Any suggestions?

Yes, Matt, I’m sure y’all would love some company in Switzerland. ;-)

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confession time …the hummer

Filed under: confessions by misscaron — 2 Comments
January 6, 2010

You know what? I hum. That’s right. I hum. Randomly. I’m a hummer. What’d you think this post was going to be about? Not that! You sick, sick minded people. ;-)

Sometimes it’s made up, sometimes it’s an actual song, and sometimes it starts out as a song but morphs into my own creation.

I do this a lot folks. I probably annoy people. I really don’t know. I mean, sometimes people will ask what I’m humming but mostly people just ignore me and mostly I’m humming when I’m by myself.

Maybe I don’t like the sound of silence. Maybe I just CAN’T SHUT UP (that’s my mom’s explanation). When I was little my mother said I never stopped babbling.

Like this little girl right here:

Yeah, pretty much exactly like that.

When my ex-step-mother (that’s a whole other story right there) met me for the first time and then I left to go home she asked my dad, “Does that girl ever stop talking?”

So, yeah, maybe that’s it.

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