Hey y’all. For all of you readers sticking by me I just wanted to drop in and let you know that I’m okay. I have been battling my anxiety but I’m recovering. Hopefully one day I’ll take the time to sit down and hash it all out for y’all but for now I just wanted to let you know that I’m alive and surviving.
I’m in graduate school (again). I’m finally committed to my M.Ed. in Early Childhood Education. I’m currently enrolled in a short 6-week summer course on Social and Emotional Development that is truly kicking my butt. I seriously work on homework every single night. So, I have zero time to blog. In fact, I’m writing this post at work on my lunch break.
The graduate program is going to be great even if it is SUPER difficult. I think my biggest challenge is the fact that I don’t work in the early childhood setting. Most of my classmates are teachers so they bring real world experience to the course in a way I cannot. I’m working on that though so I’ll keep you posted.
This past weekend, for mother’s day, I took my mom to the HGTV Smart Home. We toured the home in-person (obviously) and it was such a great experience to see it all up close. The pictures make it seem so much bigger and I tell ya the house is big but it takes up every inch of that lot space. The interior is well thought out though. I just wish there was an office area on the first floor. I’m going to try and work in some time to post about the HGTV Smart Home 2013 tour soon.
Other than graduate school taking up every second of my free time, Craig and I are headed to NYC soon to visit with my sister. I seriously can’t wait! I scheduled this trip long before I decided to take this graduate class and unfortunately it’s not great timing but I’m going to make it work. I need this mini-vacay like you wouldn’t believe. June involves a conference for work but then the course is complete and I should have time again to fill you in on all the goings on.
I hope you are all well, and happy. Thank you, once again, for your support.
Yesterday was Monday. The beginning of a new week. I began this week with a new focus and a better attitude. I’m trying harder to remember what I’ve learned in therapy and do more practicing of what I’m preaching.
Overall yesterday was a pretty good day at work considering I had to leave at 3 to go to the Dentist. I haven’t had my teeth cleaned professionally in quite some time. It actually wasn’t that bad. The hard part is now the fluoride rinse I have to do the next 4 weeks until I come back for another cleaning. I have to swish for a minute with this gross solution twice a day for a minute. I tell ya, those are the longest minutes of my day.
The story I want to tell today though is what happened on the way to the Dentist.
I was driving down 2nd street in Jacksonville Beach when as I was approaching an intersection (where I did not have a stop sign) this young kid on a skateboard comes flying out in front of me. Doesn’t even look. Continues to skate in front of me in the middle of the road.
First, I almost hit him. It scared me to death thinking that I almost hit a kid. Second, he wasn’t paying attention at all so assumed maybe he had headphones in and wasn’t paying attention to his surroundings.
So I honked.
Yes, I’m that person.
He doesn’t turn around and look or move out of the way at all.
So I honk again.
He turns around and sees me and ever so slightly moves a bit more to one side of the road.
So I drive around him.
As I pass him he looks right at me and flips me the bird with both hands.
He couldn’t have been more than 15 years old.
I hope my look of shock and disgust made him think twice but I doubt it. I seriously almost pulled over my car and got out and gave him a what for. I swear I was SO close to doing that. Not that it would have done much good but I doubt that any one has taken the time to speak with this kid about right and wrong and about not being disrespectful. I seriously was shaken up by this event.
I’m still shaken up.
I don’t get it. I was worried for his safety. I didn’t want to hit him and I don’t think he was paying attention. Yet he felt that I was being unreasonable. I believe he must have thought that I should have just gone around him and allowed him to have the right of way. Ridiculous.
So, I told Craig about this story last night. Craig works out at the beach. He said that he’s seen that a lot actually. One time a kid actually followed one of the cars into the center where he works and almost approached a poor lady in her car. Yelling and cussing the entire time about how she needed to “watch out” and that he had the right to ride wherever he liked.
What is this world coming to?
I asked Craig last night if anyone he knows would have done that in high school. He said no. I said no. I really think that kids might have felt like they owned the road a bit at times but they never would have verbally assaulted anyone because of it.
Strange times we live in. I mean, I never hung out with any jerk kids like that in high school so I may not be the best person to judge whether kids were doing stuff like that in the 90s but I feel like they wouldn’t have. As we become more selfish with each generation, as we become more and more concerned with “me” and “mine” and less about community, we run the risk of these issues just continuing to escalate. This saddens me.
So, I ask you… what do you think about all this? Do you think I’m overreacting? Actually don’t answer that because I know I’m overreacting. Heck, I’m still fuming about this a day later. I’ll probably still be fuming about this next week. UGH. I just expect better from people and I’m constantly let down. I wish I had more of a realist attitude but I want better for this world.
Well, it happened. I finally hit my breaking point yesterday and had the worst anxiety attack I’ve had in quite some time. My last post should have been my clue that I was starting to spiral downward but I didn’t do enough to halt the anxiety from spiraling out of control. A combination of some major stressors at work along with this housing purchase battle financing nightmare was just too much for me to handle.
Normally I know my triggers well and I’m able to make changes necessary to keep myself on the right track but I didn’t this time. The good news is that I made it through my work day. Pushed through the feeling of being unable to breathe and on the verge of tears and made it home to some good counsel from my fantastic husband.
I have such a hard time managing stress. The worst part is that I know what I should be doing and yet I find myself unable to motivate myself to do the things that keep me mentally stable. UGH. So, I’m focusing on “the good” and doing my breathing exercises and trying my best to not freak out about uncertainties. I’m going to get back into a more aggressive exercise routine as I know that’s one of the biggest things that helps me.
It’s very difficult to manage at times and then other times I do so well. I have made the conscious choice to focus on alternative management methods rather than remain on a pharmaceutical cocktail. Last night Craig and I discussed the possibility of going back on drug therapy but I think that once I get back into the things I know work well to manage my symptoms I think I’ll be okay. However, should things not improve I’m completely open to the idea.
I’m afraid that I might have shared a bit too personally on this blog as of late but I appreciate you being my sounding board and a passive source of accountability. If you don’t know much about Generalized Anxiety / Depression Disorders I encourage you to look up information online. You’d be surprised how many people you know suffer silently. Thankfully I have a good support system and I am able to quickly bounce back from these minor setbacks.
So, here’s to new beginnings! I’m thankful for each new day and the hope that it brings. Life is good y’all. I don’t doubt that. I wish I didn’t worry so much but it’s okay. It’s all going to be okay. No matter what. I hope to be back to “normal” and more regular posting next week. Until then, God bless!
For some this may seem impossible. For others this may seem obvious.
I have gone through extensive psychological treatment for depression and anxiety three separate times in my life. I have suffered with thoughts of (and even an attempt at) suicide. I know that these demons I face speak nothing but lies but each day it is a battle I face that few know about. Each day I walk out on the battlefield with my armor and wage a war against an enemy unseen.
Each day I get up and talk myself into my day. I have been on different medications to help my brain function like “normal” people and eventually I weaned myself off those medications. I felt like they definitely helped with the ups and downs but I was so flat-lined emotionally that I almost felt devoid of emotion and I didn’t want to live like that forever. This doesn’t mean they’re not a useful tool, just that at this point in my life I’m not in a place where I need them.
My insecurity usually rears its ugly head in the form of jealousy or intense perfectionism.
It’s like I have this default setting in my mainframe that causes despair instead of happiness. For example, I see the relationship my sisters share with each other and instead of feeling so happy that they have such a great connection my default reaction is sadness because I don’t feel that sense of closeness. I read into things way more than I should because my brain is wired to immediately assume that there is something wrong with me.
It’s quite difficult to manage each day. It’s like I have a person that follows me around and whispers in my ear: “you’re not good enough,” “no one appreciates you,” “other people are more fun,” “you’re not perfect enough,” “no one cares what you have to say.”
So, each time I hear those voices I have to come back with a different set of voices. I tell myself (much like Stuart Smalley) that I am wonderful and kind and generous and loving and if people don’t see that then it is their loss.
Thankfully my time in therapy has armed me with the tools needed to combat this war I fight every day. In addition, I have the love of my heavenly father to guide me throughout my daily life. With His love I am able to face each day. Some are better than others but I know that this world is sinful and broken and is not easy. I know that my life is to be a gift to others and that helps me to make it through each day.
There are others, however, that do not know this truth.
There are others who fight this battle each day without the armor needed to be successful. This war is a war that cannot be fought alone. Even with the full armor of God I still struggle every day. Every. Day. This is a battle that will never be finished and I think it’s hard for people to understand. It is hard for people who have “normal” working brains to comprehend these demons faced by those who suffer with these challenges.
I am a healthy thriving and prosperous 34 year old. I have a wonderful husband who loves me for who I am (“warts and all”) and I have family and friends that love me the best way they know how. I am hard to manage. I can be difficult and isolating but I have a support system that helps to make each day better.
There are some, like Pastor Rick Warren’s son who recently committed suicide, where even knowing they are loved by God is not enough to help them fight the battle. There are some folks, like the sad man who unleashed his displaced anger on the folks in Newtown, who seem normal enough but deep down inside they wage a battle unseen. There are others who are so isolated that they never get the help they so desperately need.
People are flawed. People are sinful in nature. People are selfish and jealous and insecure. People make mistakes. People need help.
I watch the news coverage of the debates on the Second Amendment and the debates on Health Care and the state of Public Assistance in this country and I wonder why people don’t understand the root cause of all these “issues” and how putting a band-aid on a gaping wound will not fix the problem.
I think the common denominator is people and I believe that people are very hard to “manage.” Therefore it is easier to pass laws that “pass the buck.” It is easier to create legislation that looks good rather than deal with the issues at large.
How do we regulate people? How can we address these issues at their core instead of glossing over the subject? Mental Health is not addressed significantly nor is it supported fully in this country. I have a very good state-sponsored PPO and it still only covers 75% of mental health costs. When psychologists and psychiatrists charge a minimum of $100 a session I’m having to come out of pocket $25 each time. Considering that it takes months if not years to deal with these deeply embedded issues the cost of addressing mental health is too expensive for the average individual.
However it is far more expensive for the entire nation when it’s not addressed properly.
In addition, we know that it’s virtually impossible to regulate people in any other aspect, let alone mental health. Our health care costs are so expensive because people are free to eat unhealthily and to destroy their body with tobacco use and various other vices.
Because we cannot force people to make smarter decisions we have to enact legislation that forces everyone to chip in to cover the costs associated with these poor decision makers. What other choice do we have? Where do we go from here?
I’ve mentioned before that we cannot legislate morality. We cannot force people to behave the way we wish. When abortions were illegal it just pushed them to back alleys with rusty coat-hangers. Throughout prohibition alcohol was controlled by by bootleggers and contributed to a rise in mobsters and gangs who controlled our country so negatively. We have a zero-tolerance for drugs in this country and yet drug abuse is rampant.
So what is my point? Why do I feel the need to share my thoughts today?
Because I’ve been having a rough time lately (for no real reason except that this happens sometimes) and I felt like these things were weighing on my mind. Sharing is one of the best ways to help ourselves overcome our demons. Sometimes just voicing our concerns out loud can help us to recognize the bigger picture and the more powerful response.
I hope that my thoughts today help to trigger some deeper thoughts for you today. I hope that you read this and feel inspired toward action. I am but just one person. Together everyone achieves more. Please help bring some positive change to this world.
This past weekend I celebrated my belated birthday with friends and family at the 18th annual Rhythm & Ribs festival in downtown St Augustine. My sister, Ashley, flew in for a long weekend and was able to join us as well. The festival was crowded for sure. I’m not sure what I was expecting but that was not it. LOL. The BBQ wasn’t actually very good. I guess I was thinking that it was going to have some great food but I forgot that it is a fair after all and fair food is never outstanding. I did get to eat an awesome funnel cake so that was pretty awesome. We ended the night with a giant beef rib that had wonderful flavor but was tough and nearly burnt off the roof of my mouth. Good times.
It was a little chilly out so we were all bundled up. In the sun it felt wonderful but boy that sun went away and it was quite a different story. Thankfully I had beer to keep me warm. Hee hee. I haven’t had that much drinking fun in quite some time. Of course, we were really there to see JJ Grey perform and although it was hard to hear it was still worth it. I always enjoy them in fact, Craig and I walked down the aisle together at our wedding to The Sweetest Thing. It was a super fun birthday celebration.
